GONE.

          It's silly, why i'm doing this. I can just let go, and not be haunted by it, lead a life no longer taunted, but be burned for eternity later. I can just let it take over me, instead of fighting it and getting burned by its miserable flame. I can. And i'm burning, i'm hurting. Why should i continue this? Sometimes i ask myself, is it worth it?

          The angelic one says "Of course, it's worth it. You will go to Heaven after all this." The evil one smirks and taunted "Oh, but you're suffering so much. You have no one now to turn to. Your friends, they shake their heads. They stare at you like you sinned too much to be one. You ask Him, is He there? Does He answer your call? NO, He doesn't. Why wait? Isn't it obvious that He has left you? For years you've been asking to feel Him, but did He give you His presence? NO, He didn't. He said "Ask and you shall be given" and you asked to feel Him. But did you feel Him with you at all? NO. He says he would not break His promise. His promise of not forsaking you. But He has forsaken you. He broke His promise. And look at your family now. You prayed. You asked. But, do you see a change? What about your brother? Is he turning from purple to blue? You asked. Did He give? NO. So why bother to follow Him when He does not answer any of your prayers? Eh?" the evil one drooned on and on.
          "Shut up, bastard and fuck off. You have no fucking authority over me and if you think you can take me away from God, you can keep fucking yourself cause that would not fucking happen. Who says He doesn't answer my prayers? Check out the facts before you start your fucking story on me again. And haven't you heard? He DOES NOT break His promises. He might delay them but He NEVER breaks His promises, unlike you, of course. And my friends, i know they're always there for me. Even if they're not, i still have God. And i'm contented already. About my family, my bro--. Wait, why am i even explaining to you? Would you even understand a fucking word that i've just said? Oh, bother this. Anyway, a word of advice. FUCK OFF. Don't even think you can make me leave God. Just keep fucking yourself, that would do you some help." my inner voice rebuked in sacarasm.

          Gosh, i feel so much better after venting that out. So much better. I'll have to say that again. So much better. REALLY. Wow, i'm amazed how this venting of anger can make me feel so much better. However, questions still lay in my head.

          1. Why do you cry? Is it my fault that i caused you to feel this way? What should i do to stop the crying? Would you tell me?
          2. It's wrong, isn't it? I shouldn't be doing that. It's sinful, isn't it? Okay, i should stop asking. It IS sinful. And i thought we were taking a break?
          3. Am i just thinking too much or do i sense a hint of possesiveness?
          4. Why do i feel that way? After getting close, i want to back off again. Why?

          I finally did my QT today. I didn't feel Him at first, then i asked. Then i felt this cold thing on my back. I started to cry and i began to sing a new song to Him. "Jesus, don't leave me. I need you by my side. Jesus, take control of my life. Lord, i can't survive." Man. I want to feel Him again. I want Him in my life, taking control. I want to be dependant on Him and no one else. I want to fall in love with Him, think of Him in every second of my life and no one else. I want to please Him and obey His Words. I want to love Him more and more everyday. I want to have an encounter with Him everyday. I want to talk to Him everyday. I want to worship Him my whole life. Oh Jesus, i only want you, no one else.

          Well. My body hurts. I got 5 wounds, 3 on my ankles, 1 on my left thigh and 1 on my left elbow. And i got 4 blue-blacks. 2 on both of my thighs, 1 on my right knee and the other on my right ankle. Ouch. It freakin' hurts but somehow i'm getting used to the pain. Skateboarding isn't very easy. On Beck's birthday, which was two days ago, we went to Ben's house. Celebrated, ate, watched Sin City and then skated. Then while skating down the slope, i got unbalanced and fell, my thigh's skin was scaped out by the road, my elbow too. I quickly got up on my feet and slowly walked my way back to the place where the others were sitting. I was so weak, i needed Ben to hold me while i tried to sit down. I trembled by the shock of it all. But it was a huge learning experience. Yesterday, i fell in the carpark. Man, it was freaking painful but i still got up anyway and limped my way home. Then after that, i didn't care about the pain that was throbbing and went to skate again. Fell on my thigh wound. Ouch. Oh well. Skateboarding is painful but fun. And yes, thank you Jing Ming for lending me your precious deck. Don't worry, i won't break it apart. *smile*

Boring lifestyle,
                       Nad

          I miss being in choir. Seriously. I miss the creation of music, not just notes. The blending sound of voices in the choir. The sound of the minor chords where the notes clash against each other. The emotions portrayed through the piece. The way how music lifts you up, so light and gentle. Oh, i miss being in choir. Seriously. And i miss Wilson. Hahaha!!! Now that's hilarious.
          I went to choir on Friday, curious of the many bad rumors spreading from my ex-juniors. And the rumors are: 

          1. Wilson is very unreasonable.
          2. Wilson wants to leave the choir.
          3. Choir sucks and can't even make a sound.
          4. The leaders are always disagreeing.
          5. Choir is like a zoo.

          After being hi-jacked by those, i decided to take a look with my own eyes thus sacrificing my sleep. Sheesh. Reached the AVA room (Ms. Tay, where's our own choir room?) at 8.50pm and saw around 10 people in the room. Sheesh! By now, they're supposed to be in their positions, ready to warm up, instead of sitting around, staring into space. I looked around me and wondered to myself, what has the choir become ever since the absence of the ex-seniors?! I heaved a sign of distress and waited for the other members to arrive.
          It was already 9.05am and yet those who were late still continued to stroll in. I stared at them, simply amazed that they don't seem to give a damn. Finally, choir started with only 30 plus people. I guessed many didn't bother to come. The now-leaders started to lead and it was messy. Everything was messed up and people were talking. My goodness!! It's no wonder that someone like Wilson would get frusrated! Unable to tolerate further, i stepped in and led the choir. I asked them to shut up and gave them directions. My, what a huge difference really.
          At last, Wilson came into the room with his purple-blue shirt and jeans, his file and his usual green jacket. He still looks the same to me. I then left the choir in his hands and he started from there. He led us to humming and then someone (Sarah, i think) suggested "My bonnie lies over the ocean". It was fun actually, hahaha. By the end of that warm-up, we were heating up already. Then they started to sing, Beck and i just listened to them. I wouldn't say that it was good, nor bad. But compared to our former choir with all the ex-seniors, it was sucky. *shakes head in disapproval* I seriously hope they'll get better.
          Man. It's stupid. Like after my year, there are so many things happening for the choir. Like the "Nutcracker"!!! And they're having a concert next year. Plus their songs rock!! Better than this year's choir concert. Oh well. Is it meant to be this way? Can i still take part in choir? i seriously still wanna be in choir!!! *SIGH* I MISS CHOIR!!! And i miss Wilson. Wahahaha!!!
          I guess, even with all those rock in me, i still love being in a choir. And singing in a choir. Aww man. Can i go back? Sigh...

Still in love with choir,
                                Nad

          Right. My eyes are closing already due to the amount of hours i spend studying instead of sleeping. It's surprising really, that i actually fell asleep while doing my N Level Chinese Listening Compre and Social Studies. Sheesh. I guess i seriously need sleep. Even teachers have been coming up to me to ask if i slept or not. Hahaha. That's hilarious. And i actually realised that i looked different since 2 weeks ago. I looked as if i'd put on dark eyeshadow or something. It's freaking dark and i'll say that again. And now i'm always joking around, saying that i got free makeup on. Sheesh. Hahaha. I seriously need some sleep. But i just can't seem to get any. Hmmm..
          Oh well. As my usual saying, shit happens, i guessed shit happened today. Okay, not shit but piles of them. During the listening chinese compre, the "grasscutter" was making such a big ding-dang, that i can hardly hear what the freaking talker was talking about. Sheesh!! It's my N Level for goodness's sake! And i wanna get good grades! If i flunk or whatsoever, blame that cutter. Not ME. So 5 hours later was the Social Studies N Level Paper. Dawg!! Sheesh! I actually stared at the freaking question paper for like 20 minutes. I didn't understand a word at all. Not at all. Man, what's up with the freaking sources?! So i took 1 hour to do my SBQ. Then i was left with 30 minutes to do my Structured-essay Questions. I took Q2 which was the only one that i had a clue about. Had no choice but to take that cause at least i knew something about it. Merger and Separation. Oh well, what can i say? Let's just hope that i can fare better in History. I guess, now the fear is getting to me. The fear of not being able to get into Secondary 5. I actually fear that. Sheesh.
          Well. I will never forget that day. The 2nd of September 2005. The first time Unprevented Abnormacy performed. But guess what? It sucked. My amplifier was in a faulty pluck. So i couldn't get a single twang from Ben's electrical guitar. And before i could even start the song, my guitar strap (a tie) slipped. The worst part was when no one played for the bridge because i was supposed to be playing the bridge! But when the guitar couldn't give out a single pathetic sound, how do i play?! In the end, Beck sang without the guitar part. But i guess we all did well. We kept calm and continued playing and singing even though it was so sucky. Right after the curtain closed upon us, we slumbered backstaged and just sat. Ben was trying to console me, i think. I only laughed at the irony of all of it and tears formed at the same time. But i figured that dwelling on it was bullshit so i kept the tears away. Then it was Blank who was performing next with Greenday's "Wake me up when september ends". Then we, Beck, Ben, Jing Ming and me slapped Blank and wished them good luck. Man, they're good. Seriously. Cheered damn loud for them. Oh yes! I want to thank Hong Fu who came to see us perform even though he was sick. THANK YOU HONG FU!! *big smile*
          Right after the concert, we went to the 2N1 class and jammed with Blank. It was incredible, awesome and just so cool. WO-HOO!!! Jammed songs from Greenday, Good Charlotte and blink-182. Mostly from Greenday. Just so cool. Learnt alot from Blank. The guitar parts. They're good. *pheew* We packed up, left the school and then went to KFC to hang out. Rot there til a few hours before we headed to B.T, Alvron and jammed. We were really restless and were so on the pissing mood especially Jing Ming and Beck. Man. Ben was alright, i guess. I know i was alright. Hahaha. Had no idea why but felt like puking because of the vibration from the bass guitar. Yeah, it's that strong. Hahaha. Played around with the bass guitar; was fun actually. Hahaha. Jamming session finished and we headed home.
          The performance sucked but many people actually liked it. Weird? But true. Ben's friend said that i acted professional, that i kept singing even though the guitar just wasn't there. Flattered? Well, then let me say thank you to the person who said that. Mdm Lam actually liked the song and she was surprised that i played the guitar. Mr. Seng was surprised that i played the guitar. Hahaha. Charis (my choir junior) said that it was good. Many people said that i looked really upset; i guess that's why Fazeila, Hazirah, my choir juniors and Yin Mei them called out my name. I must have looked really upset. Hahaha. Only Syazrul said i looked pissed. And he continued saying that it was not professional...... *stare with dagger eyes* Hahaha. Oh well. I guess it was okay afterall. Even though the performance sucked (to me), the experience was worth it. And i guess it's because we didn't go to the Cellgroup meeting and that Jing Ming didn't ask me to lead the prayer. But i guess, it's over already. So dwell not in the past but in the future, ya? Ben? Hahaha.
          Oh well, i guess. That's it for now. Sleep is very important. To me. So here i go.

          I waited. And waited. Then it came. "Un--unprevented ab--abnormacy." stuttered the prefect on stage. Before she could even say the whole name, Yuh Ting and i knew it was us. It was only on the "un" that we screamed. 
          Hilarious, but i couldn't help it. I desperately wanted to get in. Not just to get our band known but also to thank the teachers. I really appreciate their help. Oh well, it's not as if they would see my thank yous here. Anyway, our band got in through the auditions. And we're gonna perform on Teacher's Day. Yeah, i know, teacher's day. A weird event to ever get a band known. But it's a start. Next time when we get famous and stuff, and the reporters ask, "So when was the first time you performed?". And then we'll reply, "Oh, on teacher's day. In Swiss Cottage." My, Swiss Cottage would be famous. Hahaha.

          So, we did it. We went for the audition and played our best and showed how good we were. How i really hope, that we'll get in. Everything was good except the mircophone which spoilt everything else. Oh well. I really freakin' hope we'll get in or i'll be damnit disappointed. Sigh.

DAMN!

          I mean, we created our own song, created the chords, the bass part and the drums and if they canceled us, i'm gonna be freakin' disappointed man. Practised so hard for it and then a freakin' microphone just spoilt it?!? To hell with that mircophone man! Man!!! URRGGHHH!!!!

          Oh well. What can i say? I'm freakin' tired too. It's not only you that is feeling so worn out. Everyone is. Spare a thought, will ya? Oh damn, i'm so freakin' pissed and i have no idea why. Is it because of the freakin' audition or just because of that person in my mind? Hmmm. Both, i guess.

Just freakin' let us in!!

Freakin' pissed for no damnit reason,
                                                      Nad

I am thrilled.

          Seriously, i am. I simply can't wait for the audition to happen. Two more freakin' weeks!! And then Unprevented Abnormacy are at least known to some in our school. If we can get through the audition and perform in front of the whole school, now that will be the best. Then we'll be known throughout the whole school. MAN!!! I really can't wait. My heart is swinging high. AHHHHH!!!!!!!!

Moday, 8th August 2005

          Today, we had our Humanities mock exams. Man. Was it difficult or what? Social Studies was alright, i guess but History was bad. Totally flunked out. I saw the questions and i knew i was dead meat. It was freakin' hard. At least i knew what to write for Social Studies. But for History, i was utterly clueless. I really hope i can pass. Sigh!!!

          After the mock exams, headed home and cooked lunch for Beck. It's been just a long time since she came to my house and since i hanged out with her. Missed her so much. Cooked salmon and chicken for her. Boy, was she delighted! Hahaha. She ate around 3 plates of rice. Then she washed the dishes. Hehehe. We hanged out after that. Playing the guitar, trying to get the teacher's day song done. It was a long day but we finally got it done! Pheew! Though we do need some improvement in it. Til tomorrow then, with the drums and the bass guitar added in. Man, i really hope we can get in. Sigh! If only!!!

Hopeful with fear,
                          Nad

I am tired.

          Of every single thing. I feel like breaking down. I can't seem to cope anymore. All i want now is to really go home. Back home with God. Not here in this world where there are so many problems. Waiting for me in every corner.

           It's been so long since i've written. After seeing my blog being so dead-like, i decided to update, at least, a little. So for now, i'll just say a little. And let's hope i will write soon again. Anyway, recently, i've been checking out Pure Volume again and i've found alot good bands. Man!!! I really want their cds. They are seriously good. Anyway, it's up for you to decide. Check them out!

          1. Mae
          2. Acceptance
          3. Fall Out Boy
          4. Nural
          5. JamisonParker
          6. Just Surrender
          7. Daphne Loves Derby
          8. Paramore (Finally a girl singing.)
          9. Emery
         10. Hawthorne Heights (Amidst the screaming, i think it's nice.)

          Man! I really like Nural, JamisonParker, Just Surrender and Hawthorne Heights. Especially Nural. They're really good. Anyway, yeah, i guess this is for now.

Nural rocks,
                 Nad